Let Me In
by Randall Flagg2000
Summary: REVISED. Hiei has snapped at Kurama for failing to save his sister and Kurama cannot deal with it. With Kurama grieving the loss of Hiei's care for him, and Hiei not speaking to him, what will happen now? SONGFIC.


I had to revise this because I bought YYH Sword and Dragon and found out that Bui didn't die. He only got knocked out by Hiei. So I did a little revision to the dream sequence. Sorry, but it's been bugging me.  
  
I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or Save Ferris. Just a reminder. -Randall Flagg2  
  
I've been watching you and all you do  
  
For quite some time  
  
Knowing all the ins and outs of you  
  
I should've known what was on your mind  
  
But all the world is spinning 'round and 'round  
  
Inside my head tonight  
  
I will fall into the darkness  
  
And I fear I will never see the light  
  
In the dead silence of the night which hung over Tokyo, nobody saw a red headed teenager by the name of Kurama sneak through the night. He was doing his best to remain unseen to the world as best as he could. He had to. It was essential he did. Essential that is, if he wanted to see his ex-lover one more time.  
  
"I've got to see him one last time before it's too late." he thought as he raced through the dimly lit streets. "He may have hurt me, but I'm going to see to it that he gets my message." Kurama finally made it to his destination. He looked up to see a short, spiky haired fire demon by the name of Hiei sleeping on a tree limb. Looking at the half koorime brought tears to Kurama's eyes, large, pearly tears which took all of his willpower to prevent from flowing out of his eyes in a torrent. He did not want to have Hiei see him crying. Emotions like that disgusted Hiei to the point where they almost made him sick. Emotions to him were what held living things back from being what they were truly capable of being. Kurama, having spent time in his human body for fifteen years, had grown to accept those emotions and even enjoy them. After all, emotion could bring just as much potential as it could hold back. That was, what ultimately tore the two lovers apart a month ago. They were not homosexual lovers, oh no. They had just known each other for so long that it seemed like they were bonded together, that was all. That relationship of course, had been broken. Kurama jumped up to the tree branch, being careful not to wake Hiei up. He could not bear to think of what he would say if he saw him with tears in his eyes. No, everything must be perfect for now.  
  
Perfect until the final moment arrived.  
  
Kurama reached into his pants pocket and took out a small packet with something inside of it. Being as careful as he possibly could, Kurama placed in Hiei's cloak collar. Tears spilled out of his eyes. He knew what had to be done, but he was afraid to do it. Would it be too much? Would he be able to keep a straight face? Many more questions flooded into his mind as he jumped down from the tree. He began to run, but could not. His legs felt like cement bags, despite the fact he had only walked a few minutes or so. He kneeled down to his knees, that horrible incident from last month flashing on and off in his mind like an advertisement. The tears came freely now. Kurama covered his eyes with the back of his clenched fists like a small child and wept. The cries coming from his mouth were quiet, watery gasps which seemed to roll with the wind in some well tuned, yet somehow discordant melody. Why hadn't he seen the horrible events ahead of time? He had known Hiei for a very long period of time, so much that sometimes he felt that he could read the koorime's mind like a book. And yet he still had failed to see the inevitable things which would have presented themselves at one point or another.  
  
"I was a fool to miss such a thing. I thought he could experience love but I was wrong. H-how could I h-have mi-ssed it? He- he-" Kurama's words became choked sobs which just made quiet, moaning sounds in his throat. Those terrible events appeared in his mind again, as clear as a movie on a television set. "No, go away." he muttered through his cries. His vision became hazy and the picture presented itself to him again. He just sobbed and let it come.  
  
So let me in  
  
All that I wanted from you  
  
Was something you'd never do  
  
So let me in  
  
Oh please tonight  
  
Don't let this end  
  
Tonight  
  
I'll fall  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
"You should not have let her die you baka!" Hiei snarled to a worried Kurama.  
  
"Hiei please understand! It was an instinct! I couldn't help it!" he pleaded. Hiei was extremely angry- no not just angry, furious- over what had happened on their last case and he would not even speak to Kurama after that. Before then, they had been getting along well and Kurama had been happy to have the small, but redeeming love that Hiei held in his otherwise cold heart. But after that case-  
  
"I don't care if it's an instinct kitsune! You should have protected Yukina instead!" Hiei could feel himself clench his fists. Had it not been for your emotions for your mother, she would still be alive right now!" Kurama flinched at those words. What Hiei had said was true. The demon he and the other spirit detectives had been sent to eliminate had created two images for them to ponder over. One was of Yukina, the other was of Kurama's mother Shiori. Having love for his mother, Kurama had instinctively flung his whip at her and to pull her back and away from danger. That had been a big mistake. The image had been an illusion to trick them and it had distracted them long enough for the demon to go for Yukina. She however, had not been an illusion. Hiei, Kurama, Yusuke, and Kuwabara had each watched in horror as Yukina was impaled on the demon's claws. Mercifully, she had been dead on the spot. The only benefit was that it had been enough to drive Hiei to a power level of unimaginable proportions. Within a moment the demon had ended up getting hit with a point black dragon of the darkness flame. Hiei had used just enough energy so that the dragon was small enough to fit down the demon's throat. The flame had slowly eaten away at the insides of their adversary and had deflated him like a grotesque balloon. They had accomplished their mission, but Hiei had never really gotten over it. Kuwabara was getting a bit better, but Hiei continued to dote on her. When one has lost everything as had, they couldn't really do anything but live in the past. And after awhile, Kurama had decided that love might save Hiei as it sometimes had in the past and he had tried to rekindle their relationship and get Hiei to let him back into his heart, but to no avail. Hiei was inconsolable.  
  
"Hiei, Iknow you miss her but you have to move on! You've got a lot of friends and much love around you. You can't just throw your life away!"  
  
"Don't you dare say that!" Hiei roared. "She was all that I had left in my life! Now she's gone because of your stupid ningen emotions!" Kurama was shocked to hear such words. He tried to say something, but nothing came out.  
  
"You should have just forgotten about your mother and just saved my sister! You're a demon for Kami's sake! You shouldn't have let your love get in your way!"  
  
"Perhaps you should have forgotten about Yukina." Kurama said in a shaky voice. "Maybe if you had attacked immediately she would have lived and my emotions would not have made a difference!"  
  
"What did you day?" Hiei said in a voice which was deadly calm.  
  
"I said you should have gone for her yourself!" Kurama said in complete anger now. He couldn't help it. Even the calmest had their breaking points. "You should try to experience love outside of your own family Hiei! If you cared about her so much you-"  
  
WHAP!! The sound of Hiei's palm connecting with the kitsune's face was flat and loud. Kurama stumbled back and cried out, clutching his face. Hiei just stood there, shocked at what he had done. But what came out of his mouth wasn't "I'm sorry Kurama. I didn't mean to hurt you." or "I didn't know what I was doing." but "You've had that coming for too long now."  
  
Kurama's head jerked up and his eye's watered. "But Hiei! I-"  
  
"You what?!"  
  
"I love you. I always have." Kurama whispered. He had hoped his words would reach Hiei's heart, but they did not. Instead it only added to his fury.  
  
"Shut up!" Hiei had roared and slapped him again. "I don't care about your love for me! I live alone and desire nobody except for my sister!" He kicked Kurama in the stomach and sent him to the ground. "You cost me my only love because of your fucking emotions! You're nothing Kurama! You're nothing!" He lost total control and began to hit Kurama over and over again, each time snarling out more insults. "You let yourself be tainted by these ningen fools! That was bad enough but even worse you liked it and even loved some of them! You're a disgrace! A fucking, god damn disgrace to the Makai!" As he ranted and raved, the kitsune's eyes spilled tears like a faucet. He could not believe the words that were being screamed at him. And then Hiei said something that truly broke Kurama's heart. "Your youko form is even worse! You let yourself take this life in desperation rather then just die like you should have! Even when you transform, you go back to your human form after awhile! Even if you chose to live as Youko Kurama again, you'd still be nothing to me or anybody! Fuck you! Fuck you and fuck any love you bear for me!" Hiei punctuated his last words by spitting on the fox. Spitting in his face. He had finally had enough and stormed off, leaving a beaten Kurama behind him. As he stomped up the basement stairs, he said "Don't you ever come near me again you poor excuse for a demon! Her blood is on your hands!"  
  
Sometime later, Kurama got up from the basement floor of his house. His body ached from where Hiei had hit him. Both of his eyes were black and his nose was bleeding. He had been lucky that only one of his bones had been broken. Hiei had seemed to have gone crazy during that horrible interval. He could remember everything. The insults, Hiei telling him he was nothing, the rejection of his love, the angry blows, but most of all those last words.  
  
"Her blood is on your hands."  
  
"Is it really?" Kurama wondered to himself. "Is Yukina's blood truly on my conscience?" Perhaps it was. Those words flashed in his mind again. He only knew one thing at the moment though. Hiei had said he hated him and that there would be know softening his heart now. Just the fact alone that Hiei had beaten him up made that fact all too clear. Had all the love he had tried to give the half koorime been for nothing? In a way, it had. Overwhelmed with grief, Kurama fell back to the ground and began to cry with horrible wailing sobs which were long and loud. Later when his mother finally came home and found her son sobbing into the carpet with bruises and cuts all over his body, he would tell her that he had been beaten by some thugs on the way home. It had worked and he had been taken to the hospital for treatment. He had to have fourteen stiches and it was discovered that one of his ribs had been broken. And after he had been treated in a few days and left the hospital, one thing flashed through his mind.  
  
"Her blood is on your hands."  
  
For the next month, Kurama would not go to school out of depression. He barely even came out of his room, he was so heartbroken by Hiei's words. His mother had tried to help, but he told her that it would be better if he was left alone. He never did much up there, locked away in his room. He would either be sleeping or crying into his pillow in complete anguish. He only left his room to use the bathroom or to eat. Shiori had grown continually worried about him, but she had decided that from how saddened her son was it would be better to let him sort it out himself rather then interfere. Still, she coud not understand how being assaulted in an alley could hurt her son so badly. When she had asked hi about it, Kurama had told her that it was a lie, but that he did not want to talk about what really happened. Shiori was satisfied and had left her son alone. He longed for Hiei to return to him, but his wish was never granted. And all the while, those cruel words rang in his mind.  
  
"Her blood is on your hands."  
  
Through no light the darkness seems to be  
  
So very strong  
  
How does one alone against the world  
  
Find the strength to carry on?  
  
What happened to the way we used to love  
  
It seemed as though life had just begun  
  
But now that love has come and gone to fade away  
  
Like the setting sun  
  
Cuz' you won't let me in  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
Kurama finally got up from the ground, his eyes red, still dripping tears. Once again, memories of that horrid incident played through his mind like a movie. Ever since it had happened, Hiei had not even spoken a word to him. That sickening fact flew through his mind again. "He is gone and he doesn't love me. How can I go through life now?" he asked himself. Fresh pain replaced fading pain in an instant. Kurama got up and walked off back to his home, weeping with each step his feet made upon the earth. He now knew how Hiei felt: absolute grief over losing whatever was left of your life and leaving you with nothing to keep you sane or happy. He hated that feeling. Had it been in a physical form, he would have gladly cut it in half with his rose whip, but sorrow was only a feeling, but a powerful one. It could make you do things that others would make others around you wonder how one could be capable of doing such a thing. Now it was Kurama's turn to feel this emotion and it was tearing him up. He had lost his willpower to resist and he had officially decided that the time for the final act was now.  
  
In his mother's room, Kurama stood over her watching her. She was so lovely in the moonlight that shined through the window. It almost seemed to make her glow with radiance and beauty. He envied her. She too had loved somebody and had lost him, but she had gotten over it. Kurama sighed as he looked down at her. She was without her lover and yet she still had managed to make a living. Oh, how he wished he could posses such a thing. Hiei was his entire world and without him, there was no reason for him to go on. It was almost time for him to leave now. Kurama leaned down and kissed his mother gently on the cheek. "I love you Kasaan. I love you with all my heart. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for what I am going to do." Kurama walked out of Shiori's room, being careful not to wake her.  
  
Kurama walked into the basement of his house where the whole thing had occurred. He could practically see and hear every single detail of it all in front of him and feel the force of Hiei hitting him again and again, all the while telling him that his love meant nothing to him. He wondered again why it had all gone so wrong. Their relationship had started out beautifully at first, slowly blooming into something beautiful. But just before it could bloom, it had fallen apart. Love had come to them, and it had left them before they could be happy with each other. Kurama sighed again and knew what he had to do. It was the only way he could bring himself to peace and to make Hiei forgive him. If Yukina's blood was truly on his hands, maybe this would cleanse him again. He looked up at a small hook at the top of the ceiling. It didn't have that big of an edge, but it was big enough to be put to good use. Kurama took out another sheet of paper and a pencil. He began to write a message on it.  
  
"Dear Hiei,  
  
I am writing this to let you know that I wish to remain in the makai. I do not know if you will find me or not, but if you do I hope that you can forgive me for Yukina. If you continue to hate me, then you may do so. My life is over as far as I am concerned. Do not ask Koenma to bring me back as I wish for it to be this way. Also, please don't tell Yusuke or Kuwabara. I think it would be better if they did not know. I know that you don't like me, but please honor my last request and let me live in peace in the makai where I belong. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.  
  
All my heart and all my love,  
  
Kurama"  
  
Having finished the note, Kurama took a small piece of scotch tape and taped the note to his chest. There was only one thing to do now. It would be painful for him, but he could take it. It was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his broken heart. Kurama took a rose out of his hair and turned it into a whip. The kitsune slung it up and around the hook, making a tight knot. It was perfect. Kurama stepped forward and began to tie the front end of the whip into a noose.  
  
All that I wanted from you  
  
Was something you'd never do  
  
So let me in  
  
Oh please tonight  
  
Don't let this end  
  
Tonight  
  
'Cuz I'm starting to fall  
  
So let me in  
  
Hiei was dreaming. In his dream, Hiei was walking down a dark road with no light to illuminate it whatsoever. He didn't know where he was, but he had a feeling that something bad was waiting to be discovered by him in here, wherever it was. Shadows flitted past him and whispers came from all directions.  
  
"Where am I?" Hiei asked aloud to nobody. There was no answer. He asked again "Where am I?"  
  
"You are with me." said a voice. Hiei turned to find himself looking at a very strange sight indeed. He was looking at himself. It was him alright, no doubt about it, but something was different. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something was very different about this.  
  
"Who are you?" Hiei asked. He tried to sound fierce, but his voice came out as a whisper. There was something about this image of himself that made him nervous. Heck, he was downright scared.  
  
The figure laughed bitterly. "I think you know who I am. I am you but I am also not you."  
  
Hiei reached behind his back and clutched the hilt of his katana. "What do you mean?"  
  
Another laugh. "You really are dumb, you know that? I am many things, but mainly I am your conscience."

"What do you come for?"

"I come for many reasons. But mainly in concerns the one you left out of anger." the figure said. Hiei's fear was swallowed in bitter anger. How dare this creature, even if it was his conscience, try to bring up his ex lover? With a growl he unsheathed his sword.  
  
"Whoever you are, get out of here. You have no right to speak of that piece of trash." The figure did not move an inch.  
  
"At least listen to me. I have a message for you." Hiei stared at the figure for some time, seeming to mark him with his red eyes. Then at last, he re-sheathed his sword.  
  
"Fine then. What do you want?"  
  
The image smiled. "I have come to tell you that you had better go see Kurama right now. He still loves you, you know."  
  
"Why would I want to speak with him? He cost me my sister!" The image suddenly darted forward with such speed that Hiei only caught a flicker of movement. In the next it was standing directly in front of him. Before he could move, the image slapped him in the face.  
  
"So typical of you! Honestly it was long ago so why can't you forget and forgive?! It wasn't his fault that your sister died! Be a man for goodness sake and forgive him!" Hiei's conscience roared. Hiei rubbed his face where the slap had been administered. He began to unsheathe his sword when the figure grabbed his arm.  
  
"Now listen to me." it said in a much calmer tone. "I am only going to say this once. Kurama misses you and what you did to him hurt him a lot more then you could ever imagine. He has been hurting for the entire time and you just don't seem to care because you've been doting on the past for too long now. And now he's about to do something terrible to himself, but I'm sure you don't care. After all, he caused your sister's death right?"  
  
Hiei really felt nervous now. What did this figure mean by "something terrible"? He didn't know, but he did feel nervous nonetheless. Something in him had resurfaced. Something long forgotten or suppressed. Maybe he should go see Kurama. Why? He didn't know.  
  
"What do you mean by terrible?" he asked.  
  
But the figure had vanished.  
  
In the ningenkai, Hiei jerked awake. He was greeted by a sky of stars, but he could still hear his consciences' words in his mind. Again something told him that he should see Kurama, and see him as soon as possible. As he started to get out of the tree, he felt something crinkle in his cloak collar. He took it out and saw it was a small packet. Hiei opened it and out fell several rose petals and a note. Hiei picked up the note and read it.  
  
"Remember me when I'm gone. Please forgive me."  
  
Hiei realized what the kitsune meant within a moment. He stuffed the rose petals into his pocket, jumped down from the tree and ran at top speed towards Kurama's house. "Please don't let me be too late." he thought as building after bulding passed by him in a blur.  
  
Inside his house, Kurama had managed to finish tying the rose whip into a noose and had managed to find an old chair from the basement. He placed it under the hook and grasped the rose noose. It felt kind of ironic to die this way. He killed with plants, and with those would he be killed. Kurama giggled slightly at that. "Goodbye Hiei. Goodbye Kasaan. I will miss you." he whispered. He slipped the noose around his neck. The thorns did not cut his throat as he thought they would. Without his spirit energy going through it, the thorns were not as sharp. He giggled again. Yes, it was true Hiei did not love him, but at least he had tried. One cannot succeed every time can they? Kurama lowered his head and let out one last sob as he kicked the chair away. He did not take long to die.  
  
It was all that I wanted from you  
  
It was something you never knew  
  
To let me in  
  
But not tonight  
  
For this is the end  
  
Tonight  
  
I fall  
  
By the time, Hiei had arrived at the Minamono residence, he was too late. He arrived just in time to find Kurama hanging by the neck from his own rose whip. It was truly a horrific sight to behold. Hiei just stood there in horror, not wanting to believe that the kitsune he had known for so long had killed himself. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be. Horror turned into realization as he rembered the dream.  
  
"Something bad is happening to somebody you loved once before." Bui's voice echoed. Hiei felt his vision become blurry, as if he were seeing it through a heat haze. He felt something hot run down his face and clatter to the ground. He looked down to see a flaming red gem on the ground. More of them began to fall to the ground like solid raindrops. He soon realized he was crying.  
  
"Kurama you baka kitsune, how could you do such a thing? I didn't mean to hurt you like that." he whimpered. "Stop that!" his mind screamed at him. "Stop that right now! You are not supposed to show weakness! You're a demon, so pull yourself together!" Hiei could not do such a thing. Then his mind spoke again in the voice of his conscience, asking him if this was what he wanted to happen. How could he have been so blind to the truth? Even the coldest people have a sensitive side. He had denied that fact and now it had cost him dearly. He should never have struck Kurama as he had. Maybe if he had not and acknowledged the fact that he was depressed and doting on the past, things could have been different. He could have began a new relation with Kurama, spend time with him, fight alongside him, even live with him if it ever came to that. But none of that could ever happen now. Kurama was dead and it was his fault. Hiei sobbed into his hands. He did not know how long he stayed like that, crying his eyes out while tears ran down his face and became gems in his hands. It might have been a ten minutes, fifteen perhaps, maybe even a half hour. All he knew was that he was hurting inside and it was all because he had failed to see his own foolishness. He looked up and saw through his blurred vision something taped to Kurama's chest. Shakily, he got to his feet and took the note and read it. When he was done reading it, he was flat out wailing for his late love. This time his cries did not last long. In a short amount of time, his cried became sniffles and hiccups.  
  
"You think I won't find you kitsune? We'll see about that." he whispered. He opened his jagan eye and began to create the dragon of the darkness flame on his hand. Wincing, he fired it forward. For a moment it looked like it would strike Kurama, but then it turned sharply and lunged for Hiei. The fire demon did not bother to move. The dragon opened its mouth and engulfed him. He did not mind the incredible pain that was surging up and down his body. He deserved it for making Kurama suffer like that. Soon enough, Hiei was completely gone, save for his katana which was badly burnt.  
  
Thus ended two tragic lovers who shared incredible emotions. They did end up the makai, but whether they met again is a different story. For the moment, they were at peace, and that was enough.  
  
Owari.


End file.
